Four decades

Forty years old.  Who would have thought that I would one day reach that checkpoint in life?  Even when I was 39 the idea of being the big “4” “0” didnt seem a possibility.  Yet here I am.  Certainly I am four months behind the curve in contemplating its full meaning but its probably because I was slammed almost immediately with what I can only describe  as a midlife crisis.

When you sleep and dream of being young and your body actually remembers the immortality of youth it is amazing.  You relive the strength of your breath, the quickness of your muscles and even glimpse the memory of having your entire life in front of you.  You are there again.  But then? You awake and you find yourself trapped in the body you spent 22 years since destroying … you feel broken … sick … your mind cringes because you remember that its a very good possibility that the choices you made in your life have irreversibly put you on the path you will follow until your death.  When you awake you cannot help but think that the best years of your life are behind.

I remember when I was 30 or thereabouts I wrote a song.  (Or a poem  rather, but calling it a song makes it sound more manly.)  That song I entitled “waking to the sunset” and it was about pretty much waking up too late in life and realizing that you spent the best times of your life asleep.  And now that you are waking, there isnt much time left in the remainder of your day.  I wonder how I would have spent the last ten years of my life if I had known that the feeling would be drastically worse at 40?  And will I learn this next decade to live life finally? To be healthy … see the world .. and make my 50th year something that is more than just regret?

Ten years used to feel like a long time.  Certainly I hope I make it to 2020, and certainly I hope that age 50 finds myself in a less regretful state.  I wonder what the next 10 years will bring me?


One Response to “Four decades”

  1. Learning to actually live seems to be the hardest part of life. The mundane necessities that take over each day manage to turn life into something I don’t care much about. Then I realize that I’m pretty much in charge of my experience. It’s just a nasty circle though when doing the meaningless-to-me crap each day sucks the energy out of me so I barely have the energy to move on to the next day. There seems to be no energy for what I want to do & barely enough to just get done what I need to. I’ve read that when you spend your life doing what you love, it creates energy & joy. That’s where I want to get to – that’s where I hope everyone gets to.

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