Atrophy of Reasons

Posted in musings on April 3, 2018 by beer

A strong belief that one’s time is over. Fading memories of what was, coupled with knowing what can never be … pushing ever forward toward an ever-growing atrophy of reasons to meet one’s basic survival. Would that be considered suicidal? Or, more pragmatically perhaps this is what every human being encounters when they realize that they will forever be alone in a crowded room. That no one will ever love them again. That in hiding from pain the man hid from reality, emerging from his prison eight years later to find that he is a ghost and no one even sees him.

Happy 48th birthday, old man.


Cognitive Dissonance

Posted in musings on May 8, 2017 by beer

In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort (psychological stress) experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs , ideas or values.

I wonder how people like my ex-mother-in-law deal with that on a daily basis.  On one hand she professes to be a christian, a believer in Jesus … yet on the other hand she supports Trump.

A conversation we had before the election went something like this:

Me: “So, Jesus would have said ‘grab her by the ..’ ?
Her: Well, no.
Me: “So, your father would have said ‘grab her by the ..’ ?
Her: … no.
Me: How about your husband? would he have said ‘grab her by the ..’ ?
Her: No.

And yet, someone who professes to be a christian supports the absolutely worse human to ever be in politics, a liar, a cheater. definitely not a christian.  All because she hated Hillary Clinton.

So whats the tally? A christian who supports a truly evil man, who by her own admission is nothing like the three men she greatly admires in life all because he isn’t someone she hates.

I imagine there is a great deal of Cognitive Dissonance going on in that head.  Not to mention hypocrisy and a whole lot of lying to herself that it is all one big liberal lie.  But she knows.

Its sad that 38% of America shares this perspective.  Well not the entire 38% .. there is a huge slice of that percent that is simply racist, and a decent sized slice that just don’t have the intellectual capacity to know that Trump is full of shit.

Good Bones by Maggie Smith

Posted in Favorite things on April 6, 2017 by beer

Life is short, though I keep this from my children.
Life is short, and I’ve shortened mine
in a thousand delicious, ill-advised ways,
a thousand deliciously ill-advised ways
I’ll keep from my children. The world is at least
fifty percent terrible, and that’s a conservative
estimate, though I keep this from my children.
For every bird there is a stone thrown at a bird.
For every loved child, a child broken, bagged,
sunk in a lake. Life is short and the world
is at least half terrible, and for every kind
stranger, there is one who would break you,
though I keep this from my children. I am trying
to sell them the world. Any decent realtor,
walking you through a real shithole, chirps on
about good bones: This place could be beautiful,
right? You could make this place beautiful.

~Good Bones, Maggie Smith

Four decades

Posted in musings on August 13, 2010 by beer

Forty years old.  Who would have thought that I would one day reach that checkpoint in life?  Even when I was 39 the idea of being the big “4” “0” didnt seem a possibility.  Yet here I am.  Certainly I am four months behind the curve in contemplating its full meaning but its probably because I was slammed almost immediately with what I can only describe  as a midlife crisis.

When you sleep and dream of being young and your body actually remembers the immortality of youth it is amazing.  You relive the strength of your breath, the quickness of your muscles and even glimpse the memory of having your entire life in front of you.  You are there again.  But then? You awake and you find yourself trapped in the body you spent 22 years since destroying … you feel broken … sick … your mind cringes because you remember that its a very good possibility that the choices you made in your life have irreversibly put you on the path you will follow until your death.  When you awake you cannot help but think that the best years of your life are behind.

I remember when I was 30 or thereabouts I wrote a song.  (Or a poem  rather, but calling it a song makes it sound more manly.)  That song I entitled “waking to the sunset” and it was about pretty much waking up too late in life and realizing that you spent the best times of your life asleep.  And now that you are waking, there isnt much time left in the remainder of your day.  I wonder how I would have spent the last ten years of my life if I had known that the feeling would be drastically worse at 40?  And will I learn this next decade to live life finally? To be healthy … see the world .. and make my 50th year something that is more than just regret?

Ten years used to feel like a long time.  Certainly I hope I make it to 2020, and certainly I hope that age 50 finds myself in a less regretful state.  I wonder what the next 10 years will bring me?